


They Build Buildings

by Priestlyislove



Category: I Made America (Web Series)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, First Kiss, M/M, Unresolved Emotional Tension, fradams
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-08
Updated: 2016-04-08
Packaged: 2018-05-31 22:28:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,546
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6489829
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Priestlyislove/pseuds/Priestlyislove
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A collection of moments in Benjamin's new life. He should be used to the games John plays by now. He should be used to the future and he should get used to the empty feeling in his chest but there's some things that he'll never adjust to. Read whilst listening to Buildings by Regina Spektor for the best experience.</p>
            </blockquote>





	They Build Buildings

Ben couldn't help but stare at John. He was an absolute mess, drunken and red in the face. He leaned against Ben and Ben wrapped a supportive arm around his waist. Everything about him seemed lopsided and awkward. But he was smiling, and that made him so impossibly perfect looking. If he smiled more, people would've thrown themselves at his feet. Well, at least Ben would've.

"The nights are so cold in Chicago. You always insist, let's leave our windows open, but it's too cold. Are my hands cold?" John pressed the back of his palm against Ben's face. He frowned a little, but his eyes still smiled. He pulled his hand away. "You never give me a straight answer, I should ask someone else." His smile came back. "Do you think it'll snow? I think it snows too much out here but it's pretty and maybe everyone will stay home and we can sit and talk like we used to do. I like when we're all together and that makes the snow okay."

Ben was only half listening. He pulled his eyes away from his friend. _That's what they were, then. Friends_. John had tried to kiss him in the bar but it didn't actually mean anything, he told himself. He looked up at the city around them, searching for a simple distraction. "They build buildings so tall these days." He spoke, not entirely to himself or to John. Maybe he was speaking to the city itself. It pulsed like a living thing, and it listened like one. "Things seem to change so quickly. Or maybe I'm just falling behind. I always thought of myself as a man of the future, but the future is much more daunting when..." he trailed off, glancing at John. "when the things that matter are out of my control. I've never felt this _powerless_."

"I want you to know," John slurred, "I believe in you. If you want the future to be different, you could do it."

Ben stopped and offered a small smile. "...Regardless of what the future may hold, I would walk you home from any bar."

...

Ben sat with him in the bathroom as he puked up last night's mistakes. He rubbed his back and when John was done, he glanced over at him.

"It's okay." Ben waved off the wordless apology, leaning his back against the sink.

"I'm sorry I'm so difficult." John ran a hand through his hair, staring at the floor. He looked sickly. His face was pale and his hair was stringy but god damn it if he still wasn't the prettiest thing Ben had ever looked at. "You shouldn't have to deal with this."

Ben shrugged nonchalantly. "You've helped me through my fair share of hangovers too. I don't mind in the slightest."

"...that's not what I'm talking about." Ben looked at him. John didn't look up. "I remember what I did last night. All of it." Ben could feel his heart beat faster. He wanted to ask it what it was expecting. He couldn't get like this after every almost kiss, every almost confession, every 'almost.' John was very good at nearly doing this and nearly doing that and tricking everyone into expecting him to follow through. He paused. "I try to be brave, Benjamin. I do. But I'm not. I do not know what I want from you, but my efforts are halfhearted. Until I can offer myself to you without the aid of alcohol, perhaps it would be better to not face you at all."

"I do not mind that you are scared, John. If there is something you want, and there is something I want, then we should try. Even if we're nervous. Bravery is not about being fearless, it's about trying even when you are afraid." _I am afraid_ , he thought to himself. _But I would never let you see me like that._

John hesitated. The natural light of the morning poured in through a high window and sparkled in John's eyes. John stared back at him, and Ben was not sure what could possibly be going through his mind. He could usually read him like a book, but maybe this time his own heartbeat was distracting him.

"...just give me time." John pulled away, hugging himself. "I just need time."

Ben nodded. "Of course," he spoke, hardly louder than a whisper.

...

"Where are you going?" Ben asked when he saw John adjusting his coat. It was too early for him to be heading to work.

He let out a breath. "I need to clear my head. I'm going to stay with Abby for a little while. It'll just be a little while. I've left instructions in the kitchen and her telephone number, so if you need anything from me you can reach me." John wouldn't look Ben in the eyes.

"Alright." He had promised to give him time. There was nothing else he could say. He stood stiffly, somewhat in shock. In all their time here, they had made sure to stick together. He had trouble accepting the fact he was sending John away when John was so scared of abandonment. This couldn't have been the kind of time John needed.

"Well, bye, I guess." John smiled a little awkward smile. Ben smiled back halfheartedly. And then he was gone. Ben watched him through the window as he headed off between those big buildings, those buildings that just served as a constant reminder that he was completely powerless. He couldn't even make his best friend stay with him.

...

Days had past. Ben had lost track of the time. Life continued on normally for everyone else, but he couldn't get use to the absence in the apartment. It was like the empty space was screaming at him, reminding him that he was the reason it existed. It was worse than when James disappeared. Ben was getting cabin fever, so he head out.

The air was getting colder. He was reminded of his previous conversation with John as he thought about the possibility of snow. _Distractions_. He came here for distractions.

He distracted himself the best he could. He learned the city streets and he watched the people. His final verdict was this was not a place he belonged. There was no place he belonged in this world. He headed back to their apartment, not feeling any better but not feeling any worse. He wasn’t sure he was feeling at all.

In the hallway, he saw John leaning against the wall like a ghost. He stepped closer. He didn't know what to say, but his mouth ran on autopilot. “What are you doing here? Is everything okay?”

Without answering him, John pulled him into a kiss. Color and feeling burst back into his heart. In that moment he was so very weak, and he didn’t resist. He knew this couldn't be what John wanted but it was what _he_ wanted so desperately. They kissed until they could not breathe. Their brains cried for oxygen but their hearts only hungered for each other.

John slowly pulled away. He let out a soft breath. “There.” He stared up at Ben with curious eyes, as though he was expecting something. Ben was still speechless. “I’ll be back home tonight.” He nodded a little to himself when he received no response. "I'll see you then, I suppose."

...

Ben wasn’t entirely sure that whole exchange had been real. But that night, John was back. They were all glad to see him, and Ben made no mention of the kiss to anyone. What could he have said? He followed John out of the room and into the bathroom, closing the door behind them. He finally spoke up. “Are we going to talk about earlier today?”

John didn’t look up at him. “What's there to talk about?”

“In all our years together I’ve never seen you make up your mind so quickly. And in all our years you most certainly never did _that_.”

“Whatever you think happened, it didn’t mean anything. It wasn’t anything.” John repeated it, more to himself than to Ben. There was a certain familiar sadness in his voice. “It would be best to just forget it.” John pushed past him, refusing to meet his eyes. He pulled open the door and closed it again behind him, leaving Ben alone in the stark white room.

He sighed.

…

While everyone else slept, Ben sat beside the window, watching the city beneath him. It was still just as alive as it ever was. The buildings still mocked him with the promise of change, change that was neither for or against him. This world wasn’t his. He could not change it. 

“One day he will touch my hand, and not pull away.” Ben spoke to the stars, just barely visible through the lights and haze. They did not answer him. “One day I will be able to give him everything he needs. I can wait. I would wait for him for another century if I have to.”

But the buildings just kept getting taller, and the city streets stayed active, and the world was out of his control. John was out of his control.

The only thing he could do was give him time.


End file.
